You Know You're a Celiac When . . .

A little Jeff Foxworthy-esque humor borrowed from Gluten-Free Celiac Web, NeuroTalk and Roses Round the Door (I didn't agree with all their humor . . .). Laughter is the best medicine. Enjoy!

You know you're a celiac…

• When you can use a loaf of bread for a doorstop or a weapon.
• When you go to a potluck and only eat what you brought.
• When the employees of the only restaurant in the city that will serve you gluten-free food see you coming and immediately change their gloves.
• When making a great batch of brownies make you so happy that people might think you won the lottery.
• When you collect doctors like other people collect painted plates.
• When one of your mottos is "lips that touch gluten shall never touch mine."
• When two shelves of the fridge are devoted to strange jars of flour and xanthan gum.
• At Christmas, visions of guar gum dance in your head.
• You've ever driven more than 40 miles to buy flour or a cookie. ...it takes you 4 hours to grocery shop and your eyesight is ruined.
• You hyperventilate when passing by the bakery counter.
• You've ever deliberately rammed your cart into a Shredded Wheat
  display in a fit of rage.
• You've ever had to take out a loan to pay the grocery bill.
• You'd gladly pay any price for a pretzel that doesn't taste like
  sawdust, or bread that doesn't taste like an old shoe.
• The centerpiece on your dining room table is a bread machine with memorial candles.
• Your bread looks like a moon rock and tastes like dried out Play-Doh.
• Your bread weighs more than any moon rock could possibly weigh.
• One of your primary goals in life is to create "Fake Oreo
  Cookies".
• You've disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your
  mayo.
• You've brought a suitcase full of food with you on a cruise.
• You can spell transglutaminase and dermatitis herpetiformis.
• You just discovered how to make flour out of turnips.
• You show up at the annual church pancake breakfast with a mask and sardine lettuce rollups.
• Having solid poop is the highlight of your day.
• You have a sign in your kitchen saying "Gluten free environment"
• You have actually considered using a gluten-free bagel for a hockey puck
• You know all about xanthan gum and its uses.
• You hide the gluten-free cookies when guests come over, so they dont eat them.
• You read the ingredient label on green tea - plain green tea.
• You know exactly when Post added barley flavoring back to the Fruity Pebbles and you're ticked.
• You take a list of safe drinks to the bar with you. And actually consult it before you order a drink.
• You see someone buying rice flour in the bulk section and you just have to ask them if they are gluten intolerant too!
• Tt drives you crazy when someone says they completely understand your diet, they did Atkins.
• People roll their eyes at you when you say "no thank you" to someone's gluten filled dessert
• You've refused things as "simple" as gum or sucking candies because you don't know if they're safe.
• Your friend invites you over for your birthday and want to make you a gluten free birthday cake but you plead with them not to, because although you're trying to seem like you don't want to put them through the hassle, you're secretly terrified there will be cross contamination.
• You hugged a chef for making you special meals every time you walk in.
• You've mastered the art of lying when other people ask you if you're hungry.
• You long to look at the contents of other people's fridges and pantries just to see what normal people eat.
• If you don't remember what crackers are supposed to taste like.
• If you bring "special" beer to the party, and don't share.
• If you actually have nightmares about reading labels.
• If you compare all of your food to "normal-people-food."
• If you call all your relatives when you get sick. It MUST be because something you ate has been cross-contaminated.
• If you know that Xantham Gum is not for chewing.
• If you don't lick stamps.
• If you sit on the phone with a pharmacy for an hour to find out what type of starch they use just so that you can take a generic Tylenol and be-rid of your headache.
• If you know that spelt is a distant cousin of wheat, but buckwheat is not related to wheat at all.
• If your grandmother INSISTS that you don't have celiac, you're just “suffering from mal-absorption”
• If you burst into tears of relief at the sight of the words "gluten free" stamped on the corner of the Nestle hot cocoa mix.
• If people at summer camps roll their eyes and tell you to "stop annoying the junior waiters with your stupid low carb diet because you're skinny enough already"
• If you actually KNOW what an anti-TTG and an IGA blood test are.
• If you forget to buy bun, rolls, bread, ect. at the store for all the gluten eaters of you family
• If people have invite you to "The Olive Garden" on April first.
• If you sold your house to buy groceries
• If you can find "hidden gluten" in food labels in the blink of an eye,
• If your family couldn't find them if they had a magnifying glass, dictionary, and Ph.D.
• If people whisper that your new 'disease' is just an easy way to get away with being anorexic (b/c you can't eat anything when you are anywhere else besides your own kitchen)
• If you wept the first time you tried to make gluten free sugar cookies
• If you have ever made a list of everything you would eat if a magical genie could cure you
• If you keep this list with you at all times just in case you should come across a magical genie.
• If you have searched for a magical genie.
• If you now have a large collection of old lamps.

Really, it's not this bad! But sometimes it's good to look at the humorous side.